The Road to Health

:)

2009-10-09T11:04:00.002-04:00

I had a little too much fun with my old pants...

i am so happy today. it's amazing how much better life is when you feel pretty and good about yourself. it only gets better from here...

Pretty

2009-10-08T11:15:00.003-04:00

I've been feeling pretty lately. People have always told me "you have such a pretty face" and I would cringe; that is codeword for "too bad your body is so ugly." Or at least, that's what I thought, deep in my self-loathing psychosis.

Yesterday I wore a pair of size 16 jeans that were tight but I think hawt. I looked at them in the mirror and lifted my shirt a bit and was literally shocked at how small my thighs / legs looked. I put on my good bra that gives the cleavage, and a low v-neck shirt, and felt beautiful. It's been sooooooooo long...

I'm so happy I did this.

I've been doing great at the gym! I go between 4 and 5 times a week. It's really helping, with my self-esteem and my heart health / stamina. I can run up and down stairs without being out of breath. Before, when I was topped out at 300lbs, I could barely walk without becoming out of breath. It was just *too much weight*. Now I feel lighter, like I can actually move and stretch and work my body. It's a new world..

2009-10-04T19:27:00.002-04:00

i'm officially one of those gastric bypass patients who has 'old pants' photos. these are a size 28. today i fit into 16s. =) (i have no idea where the 16s came from but i found them in a box i unpacked! they are tight but HAWT).

Ani shirt!

2009-10-04T15:14:00.005-04:00

Back when I saw Ani in march with LJ and EJ and lyle, i bought a women's XL grey v-neck ani shirt. i had my surgery date already and i thought 'hey i might fit in it someday'. when i tried it on at home that night, it felt sooo tight and awful, i cried.

today EJ unpacked a couple boxes and the shirt was in there. it fits! i'm wearing it now. it makes me feel so much better about myself. little things like this.

It's been awhile

2009-10-03T19:40:00.003-04:00

and i swear i have not forgotten you.

when things get quiet, i don't post. everything is running its course. i'm going to the gym, eating right, and not getting sick as often as i used to. usually when i do, i deserve it. so i accept that.

the gym is good. i go at least 3x a week but shoot for 5x. the past two weeks i've traveled a bit, but i managed to go 3x in chicago =) some days are harder on my body than others. i skip some of the squats and machines that are tough on your back, but i compensate by doubling my time on ab exercises and arm toning.

the skin on my stomach, thighs and arms is getting to me. it's definitely droopy and gross. i hate it. if it's not one thing i hate about myself, i guess it's another. although at least i can hide the skin under clothes...unlike my fat. meh. sometimes i stand in the mirror and push and prod it, wondering what to do about it, wishing it were gone. i'll push it all in and 'pretend' my stomach is flat. HA. so pathetic. once in awhile i have days where it doesn't bother me much, but like anything, there are bad self-conscious days. it makes me fear being intimate with anyone other than EJ. but i am *not* letting fear get in the way of something that could be good. so i'm keeping myself open. i have someone in mind but...LINE UP BITCHES and i'll consider you. grin.

all in all, my self esteem is better. just going out shopping at the grocery store is easier now. people don't stare or point or whisper like before. if there is ANYTHING that you don't want to be in America, it's fat.

i've lost over 100lbs. the numbers aren't right. i was always too embarrased of my starting weight so i never accurately have calculated.

i'm under 200lbs now, around 190, and i started at 301. there. i said it. the big 300. a place i will NEVER be again.

Chicago visit

2009-09-25T00:02:00.001-04:00

The past 4 days or so I've been in Chicago visiting my best friend Danny from college. It's been amazing to see him. He's like a male me. We just fit even though we haven't seen each other in over a year...it's like we are still roommates.

I have some seriously amazing people in my life. EJ, Julia, Danny, and all of my loyal Facebook stalkers and blog readers. Thanks for supporting me.

Lately

2009-09-17T20:18:00.000-04:00

For the first time in 10+ years, when I see myself in the mirror, I don't sigh.

Scale time!

2009-09-14T10:47:00.002-04:00

I just weighed myself: 83lbs lost from the time of surgery, 95lbs lost from the time of the diet preceding the surgery (2 week long diet). so almost 100lbs if you go from my highest weight in March.

i feel good about it and myself. my body is getting smaller and i can feel myself fit into things better. when EJ touches me certain parts of my body (even places you wouldn't think of, like my neck) fit in his hands better. the little things like that are really noticeable to me moreso than the big. i feel my ribs and collarbones now, it's been a long time.

i'm doing great on the diet -- not pushing the food, not cheating, etc. i'm allowing myself to slightly indulge. (ex: we went to a block party and i had a teeny tiny bite of a ginger cookie -- it was yum and i was fine). i haven't been sick in almost two weeks, and last time was accidental. we went to a sushi place, i ordered chicken and lettuce wraps, and there were hidden noodles in there. not fun, but lesson learned.

my back pain is now chronic. it's unbearable. i went to the Hope Spine and Rehab clinic last week for injections...i didn't even ask what they were, i just told her to do it. everywhere. anywhere. anything. my main doctor has me prescribed on vicodin and ultram. my mom was addicted to narcotics for my entire childhood so it scares me. i need to be careful. i am having EJ hold them but i need to find a natural solution. hot baths help and the shots help for a few days. i'm also doing accupuncture when i get my next paycheck. i cannot become addicted. i will not, after all i've been through. i called the doctor this morning, they gave me "Ultram" which is non-narcotic pain relief. it's been almost a week without taking a Vicodin and it's bad. i was up all night in the bath, the pain is unbearable...

but if anyone asks me if it's worth it, i would still say yes. my self-esteem is better, i look better, i have 2 skirts, i've lost a ton of weight...the spine doctor thinks it's the weight loss that's fucking up my back. my bones/muscles/body is shifting so rapidly my back can't keep up. it makes sense but it doesn't help the pain any. it fucking hurts.

other cons..my hair is falling out pretty bad. i started taking natural Biotin vitamin (100mg/day) to help protein/hair/nail growth at the suggestion of my bariatric nurse. we'll see if it helps...

cross your fingers, please. i need it.

First skirt ever

2009-09-12T19:42:00.002-04:00

EJ bought me a beautiful embroidered skirt today.

It's the first time I've worn a skirt...since....ever.

=)

Meh

2009-09-02T19:44:00.003-04:00

They weighed/measured me at the gym tonight. I've lost almost 3 inches in my arms from toning up, which is awesome, but only lost 2 lbs since I began going religiously a few weeks ago...

I wonder if this is my first real plateau, or if I'm just gaining muscle which weighs more.

Meh. How is this even possible with how little I eat and how much I puke?

Found a juice!

2009-09-02T18:00:00.004-04:00

EJ (my hero) found me a juice that is delicious and low in carbs. It tastes really, really good. for me, stopping juice/fruit was the hardest part of the surgery. now i have fruit back AND a good juice!

the stats: in 1/2 the bottle: 10 calories, 0g fat, 3g carbs, 2g sugars, 0g protein.

NOM.

Nom nom nom

2009-09-01T22:27:00.002-04:00

An AMAZING alternative to mashed potatoes?

MASHED CAULIFLOWER with margarine.

EJ made me some tonight <3 <3 (he's amazing)

Hi everyone I'm back

2009-08-31T20:58:00.005-04:00

Sorry it's been awhile. Moving is hectic and nothing much has changed in my life besides me becoming a TON more happy. I love our new house in Durham, NC, and we're all happier (including the pups) since we moved here! Great weather, amazing happy house, and wonderful friends close by.

There are a few updates though!

I joined a gym pretty much right after we got here. It was hard for me because gyms always intimidated me, but I knew I had to join to help the weight come off and tone up. I joined the local Curves, and I adore it! I never thought I would. I've been going four times a week religiously. I like the workout for a few reasons.

The machines are on hydraulics. They only push you as hard as you push them, and you don't have to spend 20 minutes at each machine setting it up for your weights. and specifications.
The "Curves" workout is set up like this: there are a bunch of machines in a circle. You do each machine for 30 seconds (a voice breaks through the music every 30 seconds to tell you to switch stations). You do the circle twice for a 30 minute workout, You can do it only once for 15 min or 3 times for 45 min. if you want.
The girls at my gym rock! they are all ages, shapes and colors. We do trivia some nights when my favorite girl Michelle is working.
No one is judgmental, everyone is really supportive.

So I've been doing that for a few weeks now and adore it.

Lily has been...well, ok. I went to sushi with some friends a couple nights ago and got Lettuce Chicken wraps...bad idea, apparently. I was puking in the bathroom before we even left the restaurant, threw up when we got home, and then again before bed. It was pretty horrid.

She's still kinda mad at me. I had leftover steak the next night...which I think would have been OK if I wasn't an idiot and tried to have this amazing low-carb chocolate milk we had right after. Oops? So yeah sick that night too, but that's my own fault.

EJ has been finding me some really good stuff lately at the supermarket!

Hood Calorie Countdown

This "milk" (not sure what it is lol) comes in vanilla and chocolate. It's actually SUPER yummy. The stats: in 1 cup, 5g fat, 90 calories, 3g carbs, 3g sugar, 8g protein.
I think the chocolate has 4g of carbs/sugar but both work for me.

I've also been treating myself to Breyer's new low-carb frozen ice cream. "Carbsmart"

YUM

This was a super-exciting find because ice cream is one of my favorites! We have only found chocolate and vanilla in our grocery.

The stats: in 1/2 cup: 130 calories, 10g fat (so be careful!), 10g carbs, 3g fiber, 4g sugar, 3g sugar alcohol, and 2g protein.
So, when you subtract the fiber (3g), and sugar alcohol (3g), your net carb count is only 4g.

I think it's important to remember to watch fat content, so I try to just have one spoonful. I did try a scoop of the vanilla inside the chocolate milk and puked. Oops?

My scale is ...somewhere. I'll try to find it soon. I think I'm around 80lbs lost now. I'll update the ticker when I find out =)

For protein drinks, I'm sticking with Inspire. I get the peanut butter cookie, peanut butter fudge and the caramel cappuchino flavors every month. Sometimes I throw a spoonful of peanut butter in the blender and it thickens up and is super yummy. I recommend it over anything else by far!

How is everyone else? Eating good and staying healthy?

2009-08-11T19:33:00.000-04:00

the pain is intense today. my back is so bad i can't stay straight.

not sure how im gonna get through this.

Feeling great, looking great!

2009-08-09T13:21:00.002-04:00

The boy and I moved to Durham, NC earlier this week. The environment is such a healthy one for me. We took the dogs on a long walk, and it was gorgeous. My leg has been killing me...I was extremely impulsive, freaked out about Vicodin dependency, and flushed like 50 pills. I think Walgreens has a hold on my account for narcotics at this point, so I doubt I'll be getting more.

I'm trying to decide if this is good or bad. My Mom was addicted to pain pills my whole life. I'm at risk. The Vicodin helps the pain but I also love the way it feels. And when I skipped a day, I shook and felt miserable. So I decided on an impulse I was done with them, and flushed them...now the pain is almost unbearable. There's a pain management clinic nearby I am trying to get an appointment with...

I'm seeing the general doctor here tomorrow. Hopefully they will send me to a good neurologist. I need to get the ball rolling on this. I'm understanding chronic pain, and it's not something I can handle for much longer...

On the plus (or not-plus) side, I'm looking and feeling great! When I pass mirrors, I don't flinch anymore. My size 20 swim shorts are too big. I'm down 73lbs. I wore a bathing suit in public yesterday and felt OK with myself...

I found a couple pics at similar angles to show the difference. The first pic is just a couple weeks before surgery, the second one was taking while we went swimming yesterday. (The cute boy in the second pic is my man).

March 2009

August 2009

I think 1 more size and I can wear regular clothes not in plus size =)

In food news, I had my first sickness from carbs when we arrived here. We ate dinner at chilis, and I got ribs that were delicious...but for an appetizer we had Nachos, which I just scraped the cheese off of (I literally ate like 2 nacho topping cheese globs). Wellllllllll, apparently there were beans under there too....stupid Dara. I barfed in the bathroom at Chili's, almost in the car on the way to Wal-mart, and continued puking in Wal-Mart. Oi vey! I guess it's good proof that I'm carb-intolerant, and NO MORE BEANS lol!

Sorry I haven't been updating much, but things have been busy with the move. I'll be around more, promise =)

My adventure at the Bariatric Eating store

2009-07-26T13:55:00.011-04:00

for those of you who notice the links i have on the right, you'll see that the only commercial link is for a retail store called 'bariatric eating.' their website is huge and one of the leading websites for protein drinks, vitamins, and snacks for those of us who have had the surgery.

at my last support group meeting, my nurse Diane told us about two new brands of vitamins. one brand is called 'celebrate' and the other is called 'bariatric advantage'. these vitamins are really awesome because they are formulated for high absorption in our pouches.

she explained that research is finding that our new stomachs are alkaline based, rather than acid-based. because of this, they have a hard time breaking down the swallowed vitamins that we take on our schedule. i already knew this, so i've been taking chewable multivitamins and chewable calcium (but haven't found iron in chewable yet).

at the meeting she told us the exciting thing -- if we take either of these brands of vitamins, we no longer have to have monthly B12 shots! she said that since all the vitamins are chewables and formulated for high absorption in our alkaline pouches, we should get our required B12 from these vitamin brands.

on top of this, the headquarters for this store is 10 minutes from me, in Pompano Beach. so on saturday, EJ and i drove over to look at their store and selection of stuff!

i was surprised when i walked in that it was a tiny store, the website makes it seem like a huge warehouse. it was just one room really, it looked like a studio apartment (but still really cute and well-decorated). there was lots of literature about plastic surgery everywhere. one lady was working behind the desk.

first, i checked out the vitamins! i bought the Celebrate chewable multivitamins (they taste like Flinstones!), which have enough B12 for me, plus Biotin (to help prevent hair loss). i was excited just about that, until i glanced over and saw Celebrate chewable Iron supplements! woohoo! i already have chewable calcium so i skipped those.

i'm excited about feeling like i'm actually getting high-absorption of all the stuff i need =) and not taking B12 shots is a plus, although i think i'm going to finish the bottle i have. you can't OD on the stuff and it's great for you!

then i moved on to the protein drinks. i've been drinking a new brand called "ABB Pure Pro" which has less of an aftertaste than the other ones i started with. they have the low carb and high protein count...but don't taste too great. i mean, they are ok...kind of like a fake-milkshake taste with a bad aftertase of the fake sugar. i'm quite bored, actually. and they are formulated for body-builders...so there aren't any essential nutrients like B12 that i need.

so my attention at the bariatric eating store, first went to the little drink refrigerator by the front door where the vitamins are. i looked at it for a minute and noticed two drinks that really caught my eye -- the brand was called "BELIEVE", and it's the new brand that the store itself puts out. one was a chai flavored tea drink, and the other was a cappuchino flavored. i loveeeeeee chai - my favorite drink at starbucks is a grande soy chai latte. so i grabbed those two immediately. i drank the chai in the car. it was kind of disappointing. it kind of tasted like watery gingerbread. i don't think i'll be buying them again, unfortunately =(

they also are slightly high in carbs (5g) and a little low in protein (25g). my old drinks had 3g carbs and 35g protein. sorry, believe =(

after i picked up these ready-to-drink teas, i went over to the protein powders.

i bought an 'unflavored' protein powder from GNC awhile back, and it was a horrid experience. the poweder didn't dissolve well in the water at all, and i ended up with lumpy coffee =( so i've steered clear of the powders until i walked over to the selection at this store.

they all looked soooooooooo good, and specially formulated for bariatric patients. i asked the person working if she had any samples of some of the fruity flavors, and she had a couple out. first i tried the 'nectar' brand fuzzy naval flavor. it was DELICIOUS! the powder was mixed in, it was cold, and totally yum. it tasted fruity but not too fake. i totally bought a huge container of it right away!

and it has 0g carbs, which rocks!

then, i needed something new of the choclatey variety. the brand 'inspire' was nearby and the flavors looked delicious. i wanted something new -- other than vanilla, chocolate, and cookies & cream (the flavors i've been living off of for 4 months).

i finally decided on the mouth-watering flavor "chocolate peanut butter fudge"...mmmm...

3g carbs, 30g protein

i made the peanut butter fudge drink last night. there's actually peanut butter in it that doesn't blend up. it was really, really delicious compared to the other stuff i'm drinking.

i was mentally nervous at first. a part of me didn't *want* delicious drinks. then i might like it and drink too much and gain weight. but i realized yesterday that this fear is preventing me from *enjoying* my food. so i'm going to start living more and actually seek out yummy foods that i can eat!

it started last night. we went to hibatchi and i got filet mignon and scallops. it was decadent. i got no rice but extra veggies, and a salad with ginger dressing. i haven't eaten that good in weeks. it was absolutely amazing and i was stuffed after about 6 enjoyable bites.

after dinner, we went to an Italian Icee place nearby - - they had sugar-free, low-carb ice cream! OMG! i got chocolate and it was sooooooooo good and the only side effect was a little gas. /blush. it happens. and it was WORTH IT.

so yesterday was a great day where i felt not as alone. i was in a store full of items catered for me. i got delicious drinks, a great dinner and a dessert and didn't overeat or feel too guilty after. i think it was a pretty great day =)

Nom nom nom

2009-07-24T23:37:00.004-04:00

i am a happy girl.

two days ago, i went to publix and bought one of the most amazing purchases of my entire life.

a fruit salad containing pineapple, watermelon, green grapes, honeydew melon, cantaloupe. and two strawberries.

i ate it in the order of importance and excitement.
- pineapple
- strawberries
- grapes
- honeydew
- cantaloupe
- watermelon (because it tasted kinda like water and not all sweet-like).

i managed to eat two or three pieces at a time, and had some that day and yesterday.

tonight, i tried something equally as amazing.

i ate six cherries. three were dark and three were light. all were sweet. lily is fine, and i am soooo happy to have fruit again.

happy almost 4 month to me!

Meh.

2009-07-23T00:16:00.002-04:00

i've been feeling depressed. i'm not sure why. ever since i was a kid, sometimes my brain chemicals just go weird on me. it happens out of nowhere...i was diagnosed with Dysthymia when i was 13. i guess it's the kind of chronic thing that you can't get rid of.

it's like suddenly everything seems blah and my self-worth declines. i want constant re-affirmation from people i love that i matter to them, even if i know i do. i don't know why and i wish i could stop it. i withdraw, overthink, can't stop my head, can't sleep. it's one of those nights i guess. emo emo emo...something i really can't help sometimes.

i have a support group meeting tomorrow. i paid $500 for support group meetings for five years from my surgeon's office. so far, the first month was a "special guest" (ie. a therapist who basically told us that we all became fat from childhood trauma or abuse, and then referred us to his practice. harumph). the next month, the support group was canceled because they changed buildings. last month, i was in NC house hunting for the meeting. so i'm going to make it tomorrow night...$500 and 2 meetings. that's $250 a meeting...and there's no refunds. lol. figures, right? doctors can always find a way to screw you.

hopefully i feel better tomorrow. i'm already wondering how i'll get through work. i'm going to try to not take Vicodin anymore, which makes my leg pain sometimes unbearable. and it's usually worse during the day so i'm kind of not looking forward to the next few days. i don't even feel the vicodin anymore. it doesn't mess me up or make me happy and high like it did at first. now it just numbs the leg. which is better than the pain but the last thing i need is an addiction and rehab. i know i'm predisposed. i have to be smart.

here's to tomorrow being an amazing day.

Pictures I took for work

2009-07-21T20:25:00.005-04:00

we got funadvice T-shirts in for work, so i took some pictures with it on for the site.

sorry i suck at posting pictures...these were taken about 2 weeks ago :) i've lost probably around 15lbs since.

Party!

2009-07-20T22:17:00.002-04:00

at my 100lbs lost mark i am having a party.

who wants to come?

ps- ticker passed the 2000 visit mark. thanks everyone, i love you all.

Hmm what's going on...

2009-07-20T15:26:00.001-04:00

i think it's because i'm fighting off some cold thing, but i've not been into any food lately. today the thought of food is making me gag. i threw up once when i woke up and have been feeling better but i still don't want food.

i think it's a bug, but i'm feeling OK otherwise? it's making me lose a lot of weight kind of too fast, i think i'm already up to 66 or 68lbs lost...that's like 10lbs in a week...

should i call the surgeon? or just attribute it to a bug? how do i force myself to eat?

Monthly measurements

2009-07-17T16:23:00.001-04:00

3/31:
Arms (at thickest point): 19in
Thighs (at thickest point): 34in
Waist (At belly button): 55in
Chest (Across boobs): 53in

May 16:
Arms (at thickest point): 19in (boo hiss)
Thighs (at thickest point): 30in
Waist (At belly button): 50in
Chest (across boobs): 48in

May 29:
Arms (at thickest point): 18in
Thighs (at thickest point): 28in
Waist (At belly button): 49in
Chest (across boobs): 47in

June 18:
Arms (at thickest point): 16.5 in
Thighs (at thickest point): 28 in.
Waist (at belly button): 47 in.
Chest (across boobs): 45 in.

July 17:
Arms (at thickest point): 16.5 in
Thighs (at thickest point): 25 in
Waist (at belly button): 45 in
Chest (across boobs): 43 in

Total inches lost since surgery (all over) = 31.5 in!

Anyone?

2009-07-17T12:01:00.000-04:00

Anyone still reading this? Comment if you do :)

Woooohoooo

2009-07-14T19:04:00.004-04:00

AMAZING!

Just a few days after quitting cheese and nuts, and I've lost 5 more pounds. This brings my total to:
*DRUMROLL* ....

2009-07-13T22:21:00.001-04:00

i'm kind of nervous about the neurologist. i'm scared he will tell me my leg will always be like this. i almost had a panic attack just now and had to quit WoW and put on the TV. i hope EJ can come with me <3

Updates! Food time!

2009-07-13T17:44:00.003-04:00

i'm glad to report that my weight loss has kicked back up. i'm almost at 60lbs lost now, and it was stalled for a bit. i think i've determined the reason(s)...

and

I realized I totally munch out on both nuts and cheese. everything in moderation is fine, but i know myself and these two things are two loves of mine. and both are high fat. so i'm stopping it, for once and all! i didn't go through all this for some snacking to ruin it.

last night i cooked! i made filet mignon. i marinated it overnight in a special marinade that is my favorite (worschishire sauce, a dash of lime juice, and dry rubbed with spices). i cooked it to perfection. it was DELICIOUS.

then i threw it all up :(

not sure why...it was tender. i think maybe it was so good i didn't chew enough. cest la vie...EJ enjoyed his at least.

my leg has been getting worse with the pain. i was taking a vicodin basically everyday to get through it. then i let my prescription run out on purpose because i do not want dependency. i already felt shaky the first day i had none. and when i take one, it doesn't affect me anymore. so that's tolerance. i'm way too paranoid...

but since i don't have it...my leg....good god the pain. i've tried heat, ice, exercise, no exercise. it doesn't make a difference. it's numb until the twingy searing sharp pain hits, and lately it's almost constant. i have no idea what to do...

i'm going to the neurologist tomorrow, so hopefully he can help. i'll let you know what happens :)

It's been awhile

2009-07-10T13:02:00.003-04:00

I haven't been updating much because there isn't too much to report...I think this is both good and bad..

The weight loss has definitely slowed down, which freaks me out. I've taken to swimming at my Mom's pretty regularly, and I'm kicking up on Wii Fit again. I vow to take the exercising seriously, because I think that's the key to keeping the weight loss going...it's just incredibly hard with my bum leg...

The leg is just as bad as it was before. It's numb, prickly, and when I walk or exercise, it gets shooting pains. I usually push through it but lately I've been using the Vicodin prescription from my doctor, which scares me. The last thing I need is to become dependent on a painkiller. I've seen first hand the devastating effects it can have on people and their families, and that is *NOT* something I'm OK with becoming...

So my frustration with the pain / exercising and depending on the Vicodin led me to my general doctor yesterday. She basically said the MRI came up totally negative for any disc problems -- my back is clear of huge macroscopic issues. However, any microscopic nerve damage would not be picked up by the MRI, so she referred me to a neurologist. I'm going to see him on Tuesday morning. He should do a nerve test and try and figure out what the hell is going on. She admitted to me yesterday she's not sure if it will ever get better...

I'm trying not to think that way, I need to be positive. I need my leg to get better and pain-free so I can exercise and stop the pills.

Think good thoughts for me :)

Wootles.

2009-07-03T20:30:00.002-04:00

OK. I lost 3 more pounds. I thought it stopped for a minute but doing Wii Fit will get me back on track.

Whew.

Meh.

2009-07-02T22:05:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling meh. my brain chemicals feel off...last night at my parents I snacked on some cashews and then I felt horrible guilt. They're fattening. Woke up today feeling so ugly, but not sure if it's connected. Meh.

3 month update

2009-07-01T09:27:00.003-04:00

Woot 3 months has flown by. (Click on the photo to see it not grainy and cut-off).

Weekend in NC

2009-06-30T10:53:00.005-04:00

From Thurs to yesterday, EJ and I went up to Raleigh/Durham, NC to go house-hunting. we have lots of friends there, and really need to get out of the concrete wasteland of fort lauderdale.

we found an adorable house :) our application is being processed today. i'm feeling pretty proud of myself. a year ago at this time, i was suicidal. my weight affected me every single day of my life. i had panic attacks in public because i thought people were staring at me. i couldn't fit in airplane seatbelts so i didn't visit many friends. i hated leaving the house. i hated looking in mirrors. sometimes, i even hated having sex.

my plan was to get the gastric bypass, and get to a happy place in my life. out of florida, to a better place with a good support network of friends. i had these dreams of becoming a healthy weight and living somewhere that made me happy.

less than a year later, i'm here. i'm accomplishing my goals, and it is making me feel so proud. i got the surgery on my own -- i went to the meetings alone, met with the nutritionist alone, did all the research alone, got my stuff to the insurance alone. i had the surgery. i've lost 55lbs. we went to NC and saw amazing friends and found a house. it's all coming together.

of course, i still have these to deal with:

I'm planning on calling in a bit and setting up payment plans for most of them. i just can't afford $3k on all these bills at once. But in order to get the house, we had to pull our credit, and mine is good enough, so i know it hasn't affected me yet. i gotta get to them before it does.

while in NC, i saw amazing friends. a beautiful and intelligent woman who i consider a soulmate. new friends of EJ's who are pretty damn awesome. a high school friend who is still as cool as the day i met her when i was 14. it was good people, a good vibe, and i felt more confident than ever.

i even went swimming, which i hadn't done in public since i was about 12. i wore a tank top and gym shorts, not ready for a suit yet...but i didn't feel too ugly. when we went out to dinner, i thought i was actually pretty for a minute.

progress. wonderful progress.

Meh.

2009-06-29T19:45:00.001-04:00

I haven't lost a pound in 5 days.

And 1 point for the doctors

2009-06-24T10:57:00.002-04:00

So one of the big things they tell you before the surgery, is no snacking. They even said you could get sick from snacking.

I called bullshit. Just like I called bullshit about the whole "don't drink while you eat" thing. (which causes insane discomfort in Lily if I do it, I learned quickly).

So, I think it's human nature to try and test out what the doctors / authority say. Last night I was super stressed and turned to bad habits. I tried to be good by just getting some of this peppered beef jerky EJ picked up for me.

Well, there wasn't too much left in the bag. So after I had about an ounce I decided to finish off the crumbs. What a dumb idea...

Yup you guessed it. me and the toilet are becoming very, very close. I almost feel bulimic when this happens. I feel so full and in pain and disgusted and I know the food has to come out. But I don't have a gag reflex, so I have to use my finger. It is messing with my head a bit.

I think I need to learn to listen to the doctors lol...stupid me.

MRI time

2009-06-23T15:01:00.002-04:00

My sister saw my last post and thought it would be cute to send me this:

"Subject: Sucker."

"Heard it was hot in FL and thought this would convince you to move here"
(She lives in Huntington Beach, CA)

THANKS BEEEYOTCH!

Today I went for my MRI. My general doctor ordered an MRI of m back because my stupid thigh is still numb from after surgery. It wasn't too fun. First I had to take out all my earrings and tongue ring, which was a pain. Then I sat in the most claustrophobic tiny ass tunnel for 45 minutes while excruciatingly loud noise attacked me from all sides.

But the scrubs looked cute :)

Happy

2009-06-22T11:07:00.001-04:00

I'm so happy I did this. I have no regrets.

It's amazing.

Father's Day, swimming and diners

2009-06-21T17:24:00.007-04:00

I haven't done a substantial update in awhile, so here's one :)

Things have been going really well. I'm almost at the 55lb lost mark. I'm actually shocked it's still coming off at so rapid a pace, but things have been stressful lately and I've been just exhausted. That probably contributes to eating less...

My Mom had a very serious lung surgery last week, and has been diagnosed with a disease called Mycobacterium avium Complex which will require 2 weeks of IV antibiotics and then an additional 12-18 months of oral antibiotics. The treatment has a 95% success rate. It's intense and it was a scary week last week, there was a point when she was "in the red zone" due to low blood pressure. She finally got discharged on Friday so I picked her up from the hospital and took her home. I am just so grateful she is going to recover!

I spent most of the weekend taking care of her, which was tiring but rewarding, I feel good for being able to help her and be there. :)

It has been an insanely hot weekend.

(proof):

At my parents, they have a huge pool. I used it for exercise quite a bit the last time I went crazy on the LA Weight loss diet, and it was great exercise. But as I continued to put on weight, I would avoid it. I haven't owned a bathing suit in 15 years, first of all (I will use an old tshirt and board shorts when I go in). But the past year as the weight really piled on, I didn't even want to go in clothed. Then the clothes would stick to me and everyone would see my fat. But this weekend, sitting out back while my Dad cleaned the pool, I really wanted to go in. It was boiling hot, the pool was clean and glistening, and it was a gorgeous summer Saturday.

Now, my Dad is not a "relaxing" kind of guy. He "relaxes" by working out. Right now, he's running a consulting company and working on his dissertation for his PhD. He works from like 6am to 9pm every single day and then goes to bed. Well, I put on my *best best* pleaseeee puppy dog face and asked him to go swimming. He refused, but I laid the guilt on. Finally, he gave in, so we went in the pool together and played catch with a ball. It was so great.

It was really fun, and the best part is: I found an old Marilyn Manson t-shirt I haven't fit into since *high school* and wore it with an old high school pair of khaki shorts from when I worked at Blockbuster. I could not BELIEVE this shit actually fit me, it was such an unbelievable feeling!

After the pool

I felt almost sexy after, all worn out from exercising but dripping wet with my clothes stuck to my (smaller) body! I'm by no means thin yet, but I am actually thinking that someday it might be a reality!

For Father's Day today, I took Dad to lunch at "The Original Pancake House". It was my second attempt at eating diner food, and both times a single scrambled egg with cheese has been delicious, protein-filled, and settled great in Lily. Dad got a HUGE omelet that looked like a crepe or a football or something!

So that was my weekend. Father's Day, swimming and diners.

How are all of you, my lovely readers?!

Measurements!

2009-06-18T12:27:00.002-04:00

3/31:
Arms (at thickest point): 19in
Thighs (at thickest point): 34in
Waist (At belly button): 55in
Chest (Across boobs): 53in

May 16:
Arms (at thickest point): 19in (boo hiss)
Thighs (at thickest point): 30in
Waist (At belly button): 50in
Chest (across boobs): 48in

May 29:
Arms (at thickest point): 18in
Thighs (at thickest point): 28in
Waist (At belly button): 49in
Chest (across boobs): 47in

June 18:
Arms (at thickest point): 16.5 in
Thighs (at thickest point): 28 in.
Waist (at belly button): 47 in.
Chest (across boobs): 45 in.

Total inches lost since surgery (all over) = 26.5 inches!

Ugh steak!

2009-06-15T17:25:00.002-04:00

Had another bad night with steak on Sat. We went out to this Greek/Mediterranean place with my Dad, and they have steak kabobs that are out of this world. The steak is always high-quality, and we ordered it Medium so it was soft. I was fine eating it at the restaurant...

but when I had the leftovers, I threw up not once, not twice, but three times. In a row. It sucked. My eyes teared all down my face from the force of it.

Think reheating it dried it out too much? I had yogurt sauce on it...

Nifty fifty :)

2009-06-15T15:01:00.003-04:00

I've hit a huge milestone....*50* pounds lost since March 31.

/bows

Now let's just do it again :)

Ani Difranco

2009-06-11T00:09:00.000-04:00

A brilliant poet and lyricist.

'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown

all the chance that i need is one in a million to succeed. i'll be that one.

Another no-puke dinner!

2009-06-10T15:22:00.001-04:00

EJ cooked an amazing meal last night, and I didn't throw up!

He made meatballs out of ground lamb. I was hesitant, but they were delicious. He put an egg inside for consistency instead of breadcrumbs, and fresh herbs from the garden! (Which you can see in the pic!). I had it with some radishes and dribbled with low-carb ranch.

YUM!

Small victory -- feeling pretty

2009-06-10T15:19:00.005-04:00

While my friend was visiting from Ireland, we went out to a nice dinner. I got all dressed up for the first time since surgery. And for the first time in almost a decade, I felt pretty.

For anyone who had the surgery....

2009-06-08T18:19:00.001-04:00

Did your surgeon tell you anything about the maximum number of carbs you should eat in a given item? Our surgeon said to follow the "Rule of 6" -- make sure everything we eat has less than 6 grams of carbs and 6 grams of sugars.

I'm just wondering because a lot of the products other patients recommend through the Internet, etc. are usually a lot higher.

I haven't forgotten you

2009-06-08T00:32:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted in a few days, because a friend of mine is visiting from Ireland! So I've been quite busy and I'm starting to get a cold :(

Since she has been visiting with her husband, I've been playing it safe. All I've eaten since Friday is seafood (shrimp, scallops), green veggies, and eggs. All things that have never hurt Lily and never made me vomit.

It's kind of nice to not get sick..but I also have been eating a bit more (tonight dinner was 2 large shrimp and a scallop, and then green beans--normally I'd just eat a couple ounces of chicken and puke). I know it's not healthy to think "Oh no I don't want to start eating..." but.....I don't. I'd rather not test it and find out foods I can pig out on. I'd rather not find out if sugar doesn't make me sick, etc. Then who knows what I'll do. My biggest fear right now is getting fat again and dying from it. Or, worse, wanting to.

Ok this got deeper than I intended. More later :)

What a difference two months makes...

2009-06-05T19:01:00.004-04:00

I'm almost at 45lbs lost now...:)

March 27, 2009

June 4, 2009

Yummy dinner

2009-06-04T20:54:00.003-04:00

I thought I would post because I am happy that my dinner tonight did not make me throw up. I'm finding / concluding that seafood is really the only meat source that hasn't caused me to vomit froth. Last night EJ made a yummy steak with steamed carrots, and I immediately knew it wouldn't settle. I barely made it to the bathroom before the foam and carrots came up, let alone having time to drink vinegar. Stupid doctors.

SO tonight I decided to treat myself to the "Seafood Salad" from the local delicious Chinese/sushi delivery place at my parent's house in Boca Raton (Orient House Express). It was HUGE but I took out a little of everything and had this yummy salad.

It has, one big shrimp (cut down the middle), a "fake" crab stick, a piece of salmon sashimi, two cucumbers, one piece of asparagus and two pieces of lettuce. With yummy ginger dressing. Well that's what I managed to eat. I felt somewhat full, very content and didn't puke.

YAY!

Doctor report!

2009-06-03T15:50:00.002-04:00

I went to the surgeon today for my 2 month checkup. (Actually it's supposed to be 6 weeks but they moved offices and then he was out of town so they canceled).

First, I fill out a questionnaire which asks questions about any complications, quality of life, co-morbidity improvement (ie. my ankles don't hurt anymore and I no longer snore!). Then they weigh me (their scale said 38lbs but mine says 41. I'm sticking with mine /grin). THEN I go see the nurse.

I told her about vomiting white foam. She said that before the surgery, we produce a lot of saliva to help break down the food we eat. After the surgery, we eat so little but still produce the same amount of saliva. This becomes thick / mucosy and can get caught in the small opening between the esophagus and Lily. So it causes vomiting. I felt eased knowing it's normal in some patients -- I think the doctor said something like 15% deal with it regularly. To cut through the saliva, she recommends I drink a teaspoon of vinegar or pickle juice when I feel the spit starting to get stuck in my throat.

The hair loss, she also said is perfectly normal. She said it starts happening between 2 and 4 months for most people, but not so much hair is lost that it is ever noticeable. She recommended the supplement Biotin and a specific shampoo that I wrote down the name of but I don't remember.

They were happy with my weight loss - they said they expect people to have lost between 25 and 30lbs at their 6 week visit, and I'm at 40 at my 8 week. So that's pretty much right on track.

THEN I go and talk to the surgeon.

I told him that lately Lily will become sore / uncomfortable sometimes even from gentle food (like my diabetic-friendly low sugar yogurt, which has no texture). And chicken, which is healthy protein. He said that somewhere between 6 and 10 weeks, the opening from the esophagus to Lily shrinks. He told me that when he first started doing the surgeries, he scheduled endoscopies for every patient so he could go in and stretch the opening (I assume the scar tissue heals and tightens, which causes this...) But he says he found out that it eventually stretches on his own with no surgeries or anything. So time will fix that discomfort.

And the leg...

Diane (the nurse) suggested an orthopedic doctor to give me a cortisone shot. (I'm not allowed NSAIDS -- anti-inflammatories - which would probably help my leg right away by uninflamming the muscle that's tightened around my nerve). She said NO to the NSAID my general doctor wants me to take, which I expected. When I saw the surgeon, he said I should get an MRI of my back, since the first time I experienced the pain was when I was twisting in bed to reach my water, and I felt the pain in my back before my leg. He wants an MRI of my back and then we'll go from there...

So that's the doctor update. Lots of questions answered, and I'm doing well overall :)

How are you all?

Not really sure...

2009-05-31T21:32:00.002-04:00

what's been going on...lately, after I eat meat, I feel pain in my pouch. This has happened with chicken and tonight a pot roast. I go to the bathroom to throw up, but only white foam comes out, no food. And I feel better after...what is this?

2 month update - pic

2009-05-31T19:34:00.001-04:00

Yikes in the shower

2009-05-30T15:30:00.003-04:00

Today in the shower I noticed it happening for the first time...

...my hair falling out :(

I know it's normal and to be expected, I just didn't think this soon. Luckily they said at all my pre-op meetings that it's normal and will stop eventually. Otherwise I'd be flipping the hell out right now. My poor hairs :(

This is my vitamin routine, if anyone has any suggestions?

B12 shot / 1x per month

Morning: Calcium x 600 mg, Multivitamin
Afternoon: Calcium x 600 mg
Night: Iron x 40mg

Am I missing anything?

Don't drink these!!!!

2009-05-29T20:43:00.003-04:00

Usually, I drink one Worldwide Protein shake per day. It has less than 5 grams of carbs / sugars, and a whopping 35g of protein in each shake. My nutritionist says our shakes must account for 30-40g of protein per day, so my shakes sit comfortably in that range.

Well, at Publix, I decided to go on a limb and try the "Atkins Advantage Mocha Coffee" protein shake. It has 5g of carbs, 1g of sugar, and 15g of protein. I decided I'd treat myself to one package of four, and drink two shakes per day instead of one (thus giving me the 30g requirement).

I have *no clue* what is in it that makes me feel sick. I'm thinking maybe the protein base is more heavily milk-based. But my oh my have I had some *gross* bathroom time since drinking one today. Not vomiting, kind of the other end of the spectrum if you know what I mean.

So I reiterate: Don't buy these if you dump from milk!

Ok ok

2009-05-29T18:35:00.000-04:00

OK I promise to try to stop messing with the blog layout....the black on the last one was dark and depressing. And this one has a road on it! It goes with the name, at least. And I like blue.

We'll see if it sticks.

Measurements update!

2009-05-29T17:46:00.002-04:00

Well the scale is still sticking at the 40lb lost mark...so what better way to cheer myself up than to take more measurements! (2 week intervals isn't too OCD, is it?)

3/31:
Arms (at thickest point): 19in
Thighs (at thickest point): 34in
Waist (At belly button): 55in
Chest (Across boobs): 53in

May 16:
Arms (at thickest point): 19in (boo hiss)
Thighs (at thickest point): 30in
Waist (At belly button): 50in
Chest (across boobs): 48in

May 29 (Today):
Arms (at thickest point): 18in
Thighs (at thickest point): 28in
Waist (At belly button): 49in
Chest (across boobs): 47in

Exciting

2009-05-28T10:02:00.001-04:00

Exciting things I noticed while staying with my parents overnight:

I always used to be boiling hot at their house -- this time, I wore a sweatshirt
The patio chairs seem much more spacious than they used to
When I drove my Mom's car, I didn't have to adjust the seat (usually, the steering wheel would jut into my stomach)

I drove home and showed my Mom how I fit in the seat -- she was excited too. I used to have to adjust it. Not anymore :)

I hate you, grilled chicken

2009-05-27T21:27:00.003-04:00

Lily's un-ode to grilled chicken:

Oh chicken, oh chicken
how I hate you
on salad, in soup, or even in stew
You always get so dry
you always are so rough
No matter how much I chew
It's just not enough
Oh chicken, oh chicken
we must say goodbye
I know it's pretty hard, so try not to cry.
Down the toilet bowl you go
to the next part of life
swirling around the sewers
cause in my gut, you're like a knife.
Oh chicken, oh chicken
I will not miss you
and I won't be choosing you again
at the next bar-be-que.

Piccccture

2009-05-26T19:53:00.002-04:00

I wanted to take a picture because I am wearing EJ's old XL sweatshirt.

(My previous sweatshirt was 3X).

Woot!

Aw

2009-05-26T02:05:00.002-04:00

I wanted to share the most awesome "Get Well" card that my friend Dego made for me.

(Zobies is the name of my World of Warcraft character.)

Bad fats

2009-05-25T01:15:00.000-04:00

I found out tonight that I think I dump from fat.

I had 3 small bay scallops wrapped in bacon for dinner. Probably a total of 3oz. Both high protein, low carbs. Nothing in them should have made me sick. But I started feeling clogged/dumpy right away. Lily started hurting in these waves of pain and I had to throw up. I think it's the fat in the bacon. It's not a high-quality cut of meat.

You live and learn. Now I know not to do that again.

Ho hum.

2009-05-23T23:18:00.002-04:00

I'm a little tired so tonight's update is a la bullet point style.

My leg has been killing me, especially when I walk. I read on some boards that people who have had bypass and can't take NSAIDS are able to take them with protonix or another stomach acid reducer. I'd really really like to be able to take the anti-inflammatory that my general doctor keeps suggesting. But I gotta talk to the surgeon / nurse first.
I'm now fitting into XL panties, sweatshirts and shorts. I keep going into my "old" or "do not fit" clothes pile and finding something new that fits. I like it.
I really, really, really, really miss fruit.
Lily likes salmon sashimi and scallops the most.
I updated my weight ticker. Almost the big 4-0 mark.

Some weird stuff...

2009-05-21T11:41:00.003-04:00

Well, I am currently working at Starbucks for their free wi-fi. Our power decided to go out in the middle of the night. Who loves sleeping in 90 degree heat? Me, really. lol.

Anyway I wanted to post about two weird things that keep happening health-wise, in case Melinda, Mary or anyone else who has had the surgery can give me some advice.

1. I keep feeling like I'm going to black out when I stand up. Even if I've only been sitting for a short period of time. I'm wondering if it has something to do with dehydration, even though I'm drinking like a camel? I know I'm still not getting enough water...someone else suggested maybe it's low blood pressure. Have either of you experienced this?

2. The next weird thing is being really cold in my extremities. Once again, I'm not sure why...if I'm losing weight so I'm just getting colder easier? Or is my blood slower?

I wonder if these things are connected...hrm....anyone?

Good validation

2009-05-20T23:48:00.002-04:00

Tonight, my old boss came over. She's more my friend now. Anyway, she is the shelter operations manager of the animal shelter I worked at. And she brought our mutual friend who volunteers at the shelter. They are two hysterical people. Anyway...Dayle, the volunteer, kept staring at me with her eyes all wide, saying she couldn't believe how much weight I've lost, how good I look, etc. etc. It was really the first time anyone in real life has mentioned anything (besides my Mom, but she doesn't count). It felt good.

Changes

2009-05-19T22:02:00.003-04:00

I changed the blog layout. Reason being since the other one had a green background and transparent posts, all my photos had a green tinge. It was quite ugly. This background is more conducive to photos. I like it. What do you think?

2009-05-19T21:59:00.004-04:00

he makes me laugh.

Ugh

2009-05-19T19:30:00.002-04:00

My leg is killing me today. I went to walk the dogs and every step shot pain up to my thigh. It is not easy staying active when it hurts. I think I'm going to see a chiropractor. But then I wonder, where in the world will I get the money to do so? I'm getting a new bill related to the surgery every day. Anything under $100 I pay right away with my checking. This pulls out rent money, so I had to transfer $300 from savings to checking to pay rent. Which means, less than $1000 in my moving savings. Meh. Before the robbery, I had almost 3k in there.

Cest la vie. Gotta find a way.

Lonely night

2009-05-18T22:52:00.003-04:00

It's the hardest at night. When EJ is working and I'm home alone. Particularly on weeks where this happens more than once in a row, I start to feel lonely. And the old Me would have probably consumed a big dinner, soft pretzel, and cup of frozen sorbet by 11pm. The New me ate 2oz of salmon for dinner at 8 and hasn't snacked since.

I'm not hungry. Lily is fine. She likes salmon. It was enough nutrition to survive. So why does my lonely head want the company of food? Especially when food is really my no. 1 enemy. I guess it comforted me, and I miss it. I'm really, really bad with addictions and I feel like I will just displace this one if I don't watch myself. Like, oh, no food? Let me just have some crack.

Well, ok, not crack.

Le sigh. I wish it were easier.

I'm happy today

2009-05-18T15:07:00.001-04:00

Today I am wearing an outfit that I didn't fit into until now.

I'm wearing an Old Navy "tight fit" shirt (2x) and my 42'' jean shorts.

I've never worn the shirt before, because the "tight fit" was too tight. And I have not worn these shorts since before graduate school.

It makes me happy to wear this outfit. Very happy.

Measurements

2009-05-16T19:25:00.002-04:00

I measured myself the night before the surgery, and not again until today.

3/31:
Arms (at thickest point): 19in
Thighs (at thickest point): 34in
Waist (At belly button): 55in
Chest (Across boobs): 53in

Today, May 16:
Arms (at thickest point): 19in (boo hiss)
Thighs (at thickest point): 30in
Waist (At belly button): 50in
Chest (across boobs): 48in

So I've lost 4 inches off my thighs, 5 off my waist and 5 off my chest. Woot! That feels good.

My first blog award!

2009-05-14T13:18:00.004-04:00

OMG!

I got a blog award!

THANK YOU, MELINDA!

About Me:

I blog about myself :) Well, not everything about my life, but the important stuff. Right now, the "important stuff" is the recent gastric bypass surgery I had. I made the blog as a way to not only document my journey, but so friends and family can check up on me and see how things are going. I searched for "gastric bypass blog" on Google and none of the top results answered my pre-surgery questions. So I figured, why not make a blog myself? Maybe it will help someone else!

About Melinda (who nominated me):

I met Melinda (Recovering Fatty) on the message boards over at Living After Weight Loss Surgery, which was the most comprehensive forum site I found. I posted an introductory post, and Melinda was really the only person who took the time to check out the blog in my signature, and post a comment with her support. Although our friendship is new, I feel like we are connected in the blogosphere, and if I had questions or needed anything, I know I could ask her. Melinda is a new friend who I hope I'm in contact with for a long time.

I Nominate.... Drum Roll Please!

Time to pass the torch! I'm giving this blog award to my close friend in real life, Lori. Her site is not updated as much as it used to be, so maybe this will motivate her to update it over at infur.org. Her posts are a mixture of work-related, geek-related and life-related, and I love it when she updates and I can keep up with her. Grats Lori!

What To Do If You Are Nominated:

Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it

Don't forget to mention the person who gives you the award

Answer the awards questions by writing the reason why you love blogging

Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like

Don't forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post

TMI? Tough crap.

2009-05-12T12:11:00.003-04:00

So I am feeling a bit discouraged today. I have only lost a pound in the past week almost...I'm 99.9% sure that it's the fact that my period should have been here days ago, and I'm retaining a shitton of water weight (yes, I use shitton as a word regularly).

I'm hoping my dumb period gets here and I can get an accurate weight. Hopefully about 5lbs less than it's been sticking at..

Harumph.

Hmm

2009-05-10T02:31:00.001-04:00

Today Lily decided she is OK with grilled chicken on top of my Caesar salad.

Which was fine by me, because I didn't feel like getting sick.

Go Lily!

My Face

2009-05-07T22:18:00.001-04:00

I think it's thinned out considerably...

March 18 (13 days before surgery)

Yesterday, May 6

I want to eat

2009-05-07T22:11:00.002-04:00

Tonight is a hard one. I want food. I want to eat.

EJ is at work, and I've been home just sitting around. I've decided that sitting around doing nothing = the worst time for my foodiness. Laziness makes me want to eat, so I need to steer clear of this.

I've been occupying myself with video games. They keep me busy. I've also been much more social than usual. I had friends over 4/5 days last week. Keeping busy is good; it keeps my mind off things.

Tonight, the Resident Evil 5 game I rented specifically for tonight had a huge scratch in it...and it won't work. I played WoW for one of the few times in the past few months. I've taken the dogs out. I did Wii Fit and then took a shower (nice and sore now). I think I'm going to watch a movie.

Because what I really want to do is order italian. Or go to Wendy's and get a baked potato. Or stuff myself with the various cookies and pastries EJ has in the kitchen from the British store nearby.

But I won't. Because I shouldn't. I can't. I physically can't and emotionally can't. I've worked too hard. And I just want it to fill the time and space that being alone gives me.

So I will continue to watch this movie, and not snack or graze. I'll eat tomorrow at breakfast.

Thanks for the venting. I feel better.

Meh

2009-05-06T17:08:00.000-04:00

Lily does not like reduced fat mozzarella string cheese.

I think this is the worst part. Trying new foods and seeing if it makes me puke. Kind of lame, not too fun. But necessary due to her fickleness. She also dislikes anything that's too cold. Icewater is a no-go.

Mom visited me today for lunch and measured me with her arms when we hugged. At first, her fingers barely touched. Now she can hold her hands together around me. She kept saying I look so thin -- I cannot tell so it's nice to hear. No one else has said anything so I almost feel like it's not working!

But I couldn't be the only person who eats literally nothing and doesn't lose weight...right?

Wii Fitting for Fitness

2009-05-04T20:01:00.002-04:00

One of the most important things they tell us at all the meetings is: exercise. The surgery is a tool, but you have to exercise and eat right for it to be an effective one.

When I was younger, I was a tomboy. I loved sports. I played on softball and baseball teams (sometimes as the only girl). I had a basketball hoop outside my house, which I regularly played against my Dad on. And in school, I looked forward to gym to play floor hockey (up through high school).

I don't know when or why my activities stopped. I am guessing around college time, when friends and school were more important to me. It wouldn't surprise me if this was a primary cause for my weight gain (I attribute the rest to plain genetics -- I've always eaten extremely healthy).

I plan on going to a gym and getting a trainer in the next few weeks, but until then, I have Wii Fit. Today I worked out with it for the first time since before surgery. I mean a real workout. I did the advanced step four times (= 20 minutes of aerobics/ cardio), and then an intermediate boxing workout (about 10 min). I was going toward a goal of 45 minutes, but I stopped after 30 because I don't want to push too hard.

Well, I feel great after doing it. My legs and arms are just the right amount of sore, and the shower after was amazing and cold. I need to make sure I stay with this routine at least until the 6-8 week period is up and I can go to a gym.

Does anyone in the S. Florida area want to be gym buddies with EJ and I? I want soemone to kick my ass.

I looked in the mirror tonight and my face looks a lot thinner than it has in awhile. It felt good.

Great Saturday Night (aka ugh)

2009-05-02T21:29:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm sarcastic. So when I say it was a "great saturday night", the truth of the matter is, I spent most of the evening vomiting thick white bile and chicken into the toilet.

YUM.

We went to a BBQ today. I ate about 2 ounces of grilled chicken breast, with no marinade or hidden carbs/ sugars. Within minutes, I could feel that Lily was pissed. It isn't a normal nausea, it's more of a "there is something heavy and painful in my pouch and it needs to come out now."

So, after a brief minute of laying on his sister's bed upstairs, I revisited dinner.

Three times.

Grilled chicken has bothered me before, too. The grilling must make it too dry or something. Baked chicken is fine.

Lily is a fickle one.

It's been awhile

2009-04-30T17:46:00.003-04:00

OMG I haven't updated this blog in days and days. I guess time flies when you aren't in immediate post-op recovery. :)

Things have been OK. Steady is probably the best word to use. My general doctor has me on muscle relaxers, and nerve pain medication. My leg is still numb but I'm not having the intense, periodic pains anymore. Actually, it's my thigh that's numb-er. On the left-hand side. As a friend put it, "I could cop a feel and you wouldn't even notice!". This is true, so hands to yourselves guys!

I've named my pouch Lily. It's pretty and kind of feminine, like my pouch. I know my pouch is female because she's extremely dainty and picky about food consumption. (Ok ok, start the gender debates in the comments).

Anyway, Lily knows what she likes and what she does not like. Lily likes low-fat turkey hotdogs, low-fat cheese, lettuce, fish, sashimi, and some lunch meats. Lily does *not* like any form of vegetable (tried green bean chips at my Mom's...not a good idea). Lily absolutely despises chicken off the bone. It's way too dry, and ends up feeling like a bowling ball behind my breastplate. These dangerous foray's into unfamiliar food territory usually have me spending copious amounts of time literally hanging my head into the toilet and waiting for Lily to expel the foreign mass (aka chicken). Most of the time, I keep it down but it doesn't mean I'm not waiting for it to be ready to come up. Ugh!

So I just added lettuce last night actually, and had 3 pieces last night. And then a couple more pieces of lettuce with lunch. Nom nom vegetables. If anyone asked me the hardest thing about this, I would say "not having fruit for the first four months". Seriously, it's bugging me more than the fast food or sweets, which I don't even care for. JUST GIVE ME FRUIT! Ok that's my brain yelling, not Lily, so don't. Keep away, evil fruit!

I'll let you know in 3 more months when you can come back.

Mehs and pains

2009-04-24T20:46:00.002-04:00

Somewhere around Wednesday, I woke up feeling like a switch was turned off. I didn't want food. None of it. Almost to a sick point. It's very strange for me because it is not something I'm used to. I've always enjoyed food, not junk, just good food. I love finding new restaurants and dishes, and trying new things. But yesterday (Thursday), I got to feeling sick while eating tuna salad. Something I've eaten a number of times since the surgery, and it always was fine. I'm just utterly not interested in eating anything, so it has been a bit of a struggle making sure I eat my 3 meals a day...

It's also hard because just drinking water seems gross now. That's totally dangerous because of dehydration possibilities, so I'm forcing it down as best I can. Ugh.

I also went to my general doctor this week for my leg. She prescribed me three things: an anti-inflammatory, a muscle relaxer, and a medicine for chronic nerve pain. Well, the anti-inflammatory was a NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug), which I cannot have. After surgery, we're not allowed any NSAIDs (ie. Aleve, Advil), just Tylenol. The reason is because NSAIDs are known to be tough on the stomach and can cause stomach ulcers. I'm assuming we're somewhat screwed if we get an ulcer in the pouch, so I'm steering clear. Which means I'm now taking Tylenol, a muscle relaxer, and nerve pain medicine.

It is making me even more exhausted than before. I think it's the muscle relaxer, I mean, that's what they do right? Relax you. Well, it works. I could hardly wake up this morning and literally dozed off at the computer. I took the day off and just slept, and slept. I guess with the hibernation/ low calorie intake, the muscle relaxer just wipes me out. I'm giving it the weekend to stop, if it's still making me so tired on Monday I have to call the doctor I guess.

So far, it's not helping but it's only been 2 doses. My leg was worse than before this morning, I was up with pains shooting down it last night and it was just so utterly sore when I woke up.

If I seem like a downer, my apologies. This is just my honest experience, and right now it's a bit sucky. But I know it will be worth it and I still don't regret it.

So there, stupid leg.

:)

Wii Fit hates me

2009-04-21T15:55:00.002-04:00

So today I hopped on the Wii Fit for the first time in about two months. I was slacking before the surgery because I visited friends in NC for almost two weeks and didn't do it there, then I had my period (and let's face it, who wants to workout then?), and then my surgery was already almost a month ago!

I went on Wii Fit to do the body test, and I have lost 4 points on my BMI and 23.6lbs since doing it 7 weeks ago -- obviously, most of this weight has been the last month, but it was still exciting to see the line on my weight/BMI graphs go down for once!

But then....the Wii Fit guy got mad at me!

You know...This guy!

Well he got mad and scolded me for losing weight too fast.

"I am concerned about your health. You are losing weight at too rapidly a pace." -

It was fucking AWESOME!

Back to work I go

2009-04-19T12:44:00.003-04:00

There isn't too much new to write about, so it's been awhile.

I'm back in Fort Lauderdale with EJ, not staying at Mom's anymore. It's good to be home but at the same time it feels kind of meh getting back into my "old" surroundings. It is a little harder being here because I know my routine is starting up again tomorrow with work, etc. so that depresses me. Even though I had surgery and recoup, it was nice not having work :) (yes I am obviously a lazybutt).

I am doing well food-wise. We went to the tattoo shop for EJ the other night and by the time we were done it was 11pm, which meant most of the food places open were fast-food. I figured I might as well test something out, so I got the grilled chicken snack wrap from Wendy's, took the chicken out, and ate about half of it. It settled fine, so I know that in an emergency I can eat that. Other than that, I've been living off of eggs for breakfast, lots of chicken and shrimp, and sashimi. Eating so much protein is a change for me, I'm not really into meat, but I'm getting a bit more used to it.

Something funny I've been noticing is how servers react when I order. Last week, I went to Mexican dinner with EJ and our friend Lori (hi Lori!). I ordered an appetizer of grilled shrimp with a garlic sauce (on the side). The waiter immediately seemed surprised that was all I ordered ("you mean fat people don't get the burrito combo?") It came with 6 shrimp and I ate about 3 before getting full, so I asked for a box. He looked at me like I was literally insane, counted the shrimp remaining, looked at me again, and brought me a to-go soup container. It was kind of funny, although somewhat offensive. Or am I too sensitive?

The Wendy's girl was equally as shocked when I just ordered the snack wrap. She says, "Girl, that ain't gonna fill you up." I was somewhat offended, then decided to run with my instinct, so I said, "Nah, it will. I have half a stomach." Her eyes opened all wide and that was that. I left cracking up to myself.

Some positives:
- My clothes are fitting different, particularly my tshirts in the area under my breasts and also my feet, which is funny (my flip flops are loose on top now).
- The weight is still coming off at about a pound a day.
- I saved over $300 on food last month (so I bought an XBox 360 - comment with your gamertag!)

And negatives:
- I keep trying to fill the void of not eating food. I am hoping the gym will help me stop feeling like something is missing all the time.
- My leg is still numb on the upper thigh and I wake up with shooting sciatic pain at least twice per night. I'm going to my general doctor Wednesday.

So that's what is going on with me. How are all of you wonderful people?

<3 you guys

2009-04-17T03:51:00.002-04:00

You guys rock. The last time I looked at my visits ticker at the bottom of my blog, it was at 100 and I got excited. Now it's passed 350.

I have *awesome* friends.

Small update

2009-04-15T18:22:00.005-04:00

I changed the weight ticker thingy again to reflect my weight loss from the day of my surgery to today. *Not* from when I started the pre-op program, that just is too confusing and doesn't show what weight loss can be directly attributed to the surgery.

So far, it has been 15 days and I have lost 13lbs! A pound a day is very good progress in my humble opinion. I hope this rate keeps up because 30lbs a month isn't too shabby.

At the moment I am experience something called "Hibernation Syndrome". (Read about it here). In short, it is making me feel absolutely exhausted -- a shower makes me want to take a nap -- and kinda depressed. Just like...meh. Not really excited or happy about anything. When they said this would happen before the surgery, I was skeptical. I was thinking "Dear god if they just let me get this surgery and I start losing weight, nothing will bother me!". But it feels chemical, something is just out of whack making me feel blase and grumpy and exhausted. The website above said it could take 6-8 weeks for this "Hibernation" stage to go away. Poor EJ.

I also had my first semi-dumping experience Tuesday. It's called "Clogging", (link to info) and it's basically what it sounds like. I had eaten about 2oz worth of grilled chicken, and within 15 seconds, I felt nauseous and like a brick was stuck in my chest. I figured I was dumping so I went upstairs (I was at EJ's house) to throw up, but it didn't quite happen, so I laid down on his sister's bed for a little and took a catnap. Laying down relieved the brick feeling immediately, so I think that position allowed the food to pass through my pouch opening. Note to self: chew better.

On a positive note, my therapist said today at my appointment that I looked like I lost weight, even before I told him I had the surgery! (He knew I was going to get it, but not when, and I never told him the date). Lost 3 more pounds since Monday. I think even with all the negatives, the positives still definitely outweigh them :) I wouldn't go back if I could.

Doctor visit update

2009-04-13T14:29:00.002-04:00

Well I went to the surgeon's office today to get my stitches out. He wasn't there, but the main nurse, Diane was. And she's pretty great so I didn't care much.

We talked about my leg as she took out my stitches (yes, it hurt).

She said it's likely because I'm moving in weird positions to get up and around, depending more on my right side, twisting around strange to get up, etc etc. So in doing these weird maneuvers, plus my weight and "center of gravity" shifting, the muscles around my sciatic nerve have tightened, pinching the nerve. She said I could go to my general doctor about it, but suggested I just use heat and elevation to try and relax the muscles. It seems to make sense...it just sucks :)

As for the big bump under my sorest incision, she said it was dried blood, not an infection. I'm still skeptical because it's warm and I did have a bit of a fever...but, she's the nurse so I will believe her on this one.

In an unrelated note, I ate a slice of chicken breast last night (not pureed!) and it stayed down! For breakfast this morning I had a half of a hard-boiled egg -- also stayed down!

Woot!

Well, it can't all be good.

2009-04-12T22:14:00.003-04:00

So...a couple things that kinda stink.

1. Since about last Thursday, my left thigh has been numb. Around Friday, I started to get crazy shooting pains from my left upper thigh / butt area down to my knee. The entire left side of my thigh is still numb. Luckily, it does not effect much like my ability to walk, but the pain is (pardon my french) fucking *intense*. People I talk to seem to think it's sciatica; I just hope it goes away soon.

2. Today I woke up feeling unbelievably, extremely, incomprehensibly tired. I woke up around 2pm (after sleeping at 2am) and went back to bed again from 4pm-6:30. This isn't normal at all for the past 5-7 days. I've been getting up before noon, and rarely napping. I also have had a really icky tummy (sorry if TMI) and a low-grade fever. Tonight, while I was hanging out with my parents, I nonchalantly began to gently rub my most tender (left side) incision because it was just throbbing. I realized the entire area right underneath the incision is tight and swollen, like a ball is under it.

I don't know if it is dried blood, swelling, an infection...and I don't technically know if it relates to my exhaustion today, but it could be. The exhaustion could also be because I'm not getting many nutrients -- today I ate two tablespoons of tuna salad, a protein shake, and a slice of chicken maybe 2 oz worth. This really isn't enough fuel to keep anyone going, and if my body has run out of nutrients from *before* the surgery, I could be crashing -- which is normal and my body will calibrate.

Anyway, I have an appointment tomorrow at 1pm to get my stitches out, so I will talk to the nurse about both these things. I'll update once I know something :)

W00t

2009-04-12T12:19:00.002-04:00

My scale shows that I've lost 5 more pounds since my Dr. appt on Wednesday. Woot!

This photo seemed fitting:

2009-04-11T01:28:00.004-04:00

Today, I made a new, torturous enemy:

My parents ordered him around 7, he arrived around 7:32.

I couldn't eat him...so I did the next best thing -- took a picture. But DAMN he smelled good.

Weight ticker

2009-04-08T16:37:00.000-04:00

At the post-op appointment today, they weighed me. I have lost 6lbs since surgery date, which was 8 days ago. Not too shabby.

I've updated the ticker on the right side of my blog to show my weight loss, starting from the first meeting I had with my nutritionist -- when I began my pre-op program. So far, I have lost 17 lbs since that day.

Exciting!

Follow up appointment #1

2009-04-08T12:23:00.004-04:00

First of all, I want to give a HUGE thank you to everyone who cares enough to read this blog. My visitor counter has passed 100, which is huge and exciting for me. (That's 100 visits, not unique visitors). Thanks for the support -- seriously.

Today was my 1-week follow up appointment at my surgeon's. The nurse, Diane, is awesome. She had me fill out questionnaires about my pain, food and liquid intake, meds, and *drumroll* the hospital / nurse care. I gave a pretty scathing report. I complained about pretty much everything and answered "No" to every Yes/No question on the damn thing. (Example: Did nurses answer your calls within an appropriate amount of time? YES/NO). When I met with Diane, she told me that the Bariatric wing I was in usually has ratings of about 8-9 on a scale of 1-10. (I put 4-5). Unbelievable.

They are satisfied with my eating habits and fluid intake, although I'm only consuming about 50 ounces a day when the goal is 64 oz. I don't even think the average person drinks 50 oz a day, so I'm not too worried. The surgeon took one look at the bruising around my stitches and told me to come back Monday to get them taken out. Fun!

Oh, and funny story: On the way out, I saw a man who had been through a lot of the pre-op meetings and support groups and weigh-ins with me. I asked if he had his surgery, he said he had it on April 2, we congratulated each other. Then I asked how the hospital was for him.

Him: "Horrible. Absolutely horrible. Those nurses...*shakes head*
Me: Same here! Did they give you the questionairre? Tell them so they don't think I'm crazy!
Him: Oh, I already filled it out. God that was awful.
Me: Well, we made it!

Then we said good luck, and we are both going to the "emotional eating" support group meeting in the middle of the month, so that is cool.

So the food plan for the future, in case anyone is wondering.

Now (Post op week 1): Pureed proteins, sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles
Next week (Post op week 2): Whole normal textured proteins (OMG chewing!)
Post op week 6: Addition of vegetables and salads, with dressing
Post op month 4: Addition of fruit
Post op month 6-9: Addition of small servings of whole grain starches, if my pouch can handle them. (Some people's never can. We'll have to see).

I am just so excited for next week when I can chew! I'm going to make yummy marinated grilled chicken breast first. Then I will go to Hibachi with EJ and get hibachi shrimp and scallops! Something to look forward to.

I think the diet will be fine once it's not liquid-only. I think this is the hardest part. Thanks for rooting me on everyone!

Pureed Protein

2009-04-07T21:16:00.003-04:00

So, I've been venturing away (slowly) from broth for my meals, and trying pureed "texturized" protein. Still only 1/8 cup per serving so it doesn't feel like a "meal"...but it's progress.

Last night we pureed 2 shrimp from the leftover "Shrimp and snow pea" Chinese food dish of my Dads. It was bland, tasteless, stringy. Seasoning did not help it much, but it was a good test. It stayed down, so I was happy.

Today we heated up one of the "Chicken and white wine" cubes on the stovetop. We had tried the microwave a few days ago, and that was lumpy and awful. On the stovetop it boiled down to a grits consistency. I just ate it in maybe 5 slow bites. Not too satisfying. I'm unsure if it's unsatisfying because it doesn't taste that good, or if it's the fact that I'm sick of the all-liquid diet. I miss chewing. Mom had half a Subway today and I almost drooled.

Tomorrow, I am going to my surgeon for my 1-week post-op appointment (today is my 1 week anniversary!). He will weigh me, so that will be interesting, and take out my stitches.

I'm not nervous about the stitches except for the ones right ontop of my sore/bruised area on the left side of my stomach. I don't want him touching it. I will cry.

Here is a sexy photo showing what I mean.

Doc please don't touch here.

I like this quote, and I want to remember it.

2009-04-07T12:09:00.003-04:00

Happiness is essentially a state of going somewhere, wholeheartedly, one-directionally, without regret or reservation. - William H. Sheldon

Hard food night

2009-04-06T13:39:00.001-04:00

Last night I had my first real night where I emotionally wanted food.

I'm getting tired of being sore, a little cranky about it, even though I asked for this surgery it still doesn't make it any more fun to recover. I've played my Nintendo DS, watched about a zillion episodes of Law and Order, started reading Outlander by Diana Gabaldon, sat with my feet in the pool, moved from the couch to bed to the couch, and I feel like I'm running out of stuff to do.

So the cranky head in me wanted to eat. I wanted to stuff my face with shrimp, scallops, lobster, stir-fry, chicken nuggets...anything. Emotionally, that's what I turn to when I'm depressed and/or bored. Good food. And last night, I wanted it for the first time and could not do it.

Physically, I am not hungry. My pouch is full after 1/8 a cup of broth. It's mentally that I wanted to eat. And it was hard not to, and I got extra cranky. But this is what I need, I need to get rid of this relationship. I think therapy for it will help. Also, I am hoping the gym will help get out a lot of these feelings in a healthy way. I just need to find something other than food to fill the void when I am lonely / bored / depressed. And this is the hardest part, even harder than the physical pain.

Physically, I'm doing ok. They had a hard time intubating me, so my throat is scratchy and my voice gets tired and hoarse easily. The right side of my stomach has 2 incisions (with stitches and surgical tape) that are healing nicely, no bruising, and I can even sleep on this side for short periods. The left side of my stomach has two much larger incisions, and this is where he used the instruments and actually did the work, so it is much more tender, swollen and a beautiful purple / yellow / pink bruise color. The bruise is about the size of a golf ball. This side is where the pain mostly is, I cannot sleep on it, lay on it, move near it, etc. lol. But every day I use the pain meds less and less.

Slow and steady wins the race :)

Sore...

2009-04-05T03:22:00.001-04:00

Ouch. I'm sore.

Society + me

2009-04-04T22:17:00.002-04:00

This little mp3 thing I brought to the hospital has FM radio on it. I got it off woot.com awhile back for like $15, and totally forgot about it. I scuttled around the house packing for the hospital and realized I need music to get through this, so I packed it.

While listening to the radio as I fell asleep, one of those morning shows asked callers:

"Would you rather be called fat or called a whore?"

90% of people who called in would rather be called a whore.

Something that thin people may not realize: being fat is pretty much the worst thing you can be in America today. The stereotypes/labeling/treatment received as someone obese is bone cutting. I've heard people whisper about me if I can't fit between tables in a restaurant, trying to get to the bathroom. So I stopped going to the bathroom in restaurants. My friends always wanted me to come visit...but the plane seats are so uncomfortable and half the time the seatbelt doesn't fit, and I need an extender. Hearing other passengers snicker isn't my idea of a "fun" vacation. Then there is the physical stuff that comes alone with carrying 100+ lbs of extra weight. Luckily, I don't have diabetes, high blood pressure or any other issues that are weight-related. All I have is ankle pain which is usually relieved by sleeping or staying off my feet for a few hours. If I massage my ankles that sometimes helps too. I am lucky that most of the crap I have had to deal with has not been physical ailments. Although sometimes I wonder, if the emotional baggage I have carried around is any better.

Now, I am too sensitive. My friends call me emo. It's just me. I always take things to heart, even when people are joking, and it's something I need to work on. But I think years of pretending to be OK about my weight, watching it get out of control, hearing the whispers, and lately...isolating myself from friends, has taken an emotional toll.

This surgery is not a quick fix. It's not something that is going to *poof* take away all the issues I have and make me pretty and happy. It's just the first step on a long road I am about to take to make myself healthy -- both physically and emotionally.

Since I have opened up and began talking about my weight and the self-esteem problems, I have had so much support from my friends, I wish I was just honest sooner. But I wasn't even honest with myself. I pretended I was ok, everything was fine, I was happy in my skin...but I have not been, in a long...long....long time.

So far everyone has been amazing. There was one person -- who I haven't talked to in years -- who was trying to dissuade me from surgical intervention. Most people who have not seen or talked to me in years, cannot believe I would do something so "drastic." But they have not seen me. They think I am looking for a quick fix, and I'm not. I know this isn't that. But it is the first step in a long line of steps to making myself happy.

I want this surgery to be a complete success, and I want the weight to come off. I think my confidence will go up. My happiness, even. Then, EJ and I have to move out of Florida. Neither of us have been happy here in years. We will move, somewhere that is mentally healthy for us. Somewhere with land, nice people, clean air...somewhere we can grow as people. I need to get into therapy and work on my self-esteem. My sense of self-worth. I know I am brilliant, I know I am pretty, etc., but I don't *know* it. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, I'm high on my pain meds and blabbling. I guess this is just stream of consciousness. There's a lot to do, and I'm ready to do it.

Photos

2009-04-04T19:15:00.002-04:00

Photos from the hospital surgery day are up on Flickr!

Click here.

My daily mealplan

2009-04-04T14:15:00.004-04:00

A few people are curious about what I've been eating/drinking since I got released from the hospital. This is basically how it's gone down.

- Water: sipped throughout the day. I usually can handle about 2 big red Dixie cups worth in a day.
- Mealtime: 1/8 cup of chicken broth, peppered to taste, warmed in the microwave. Yum.
- Protein shakes: I need to consume a goal of 35-45 grams of protein from drinks alone, in 1 day.

So far, my favorite brand is "Worldwide Pure Protein". I've had the chocolate, vanilla, cookies n creme and I have a banana in the fridge.

I particularly like these drinks because there are 35g of protein (my daily goal) in just one can, also there are between 2-4g carbs so my chance of dumping is low.

This is what they look like.

and here are the nutrition facts.

So that's my food. Water, broth and chocolate shakes!

I will have some photos from the hospital later. I'm doing well today, still just sore. Slow and steady. I feel like someone kicked the crap out of my stomach over and over...the gassiness and pouch feelings are hard to differentiate and I'm working on knowing when my pouch is full.

How is everyone?

A real night's sleep

2009-04-03T10:33:00.002-04:00

OK I'm going to try to update before my pain meds kick in...if this gets confusing and / or convoluted as you read, my apologies in advance :). I blame it on the hydrocodone.

It is sooo nice being home. The hospital was horrible, I can't stress enough how crappy it was there. Don't go there if you need something done -- seriously. If you want attention or nurse care. The following are things I dealt with that I shouldn't have had to deal with:

1. 100+ degree heat because my thermostat literally did not work. The nurses' explanation (yes multiple nurses): "It's hot outside."
2. Waiting between 20 and 45 minutes after pushing the nurse button - for *anything*. Pain meds, catheder emptying (gross right?), help getting to the bathroom once the cath came out...no one who just had surgery a day prior should have to wait 30 minutes for meds or to urinate. I'm sorry but that's just messed up. Especially when they are pumping bags and bags of liquids into you.
3. I wasn't able to move myself...so my buttbone would fall asleep, my side would get sore, etc. and I couldn't do a damn thing except push the stupid button and wait. Again.

The last night I was there, I ended up crying from the pain during the 45 minute wait for the meds...EJ marched to the nurses station and bitched. It was so sweet of him. Lol. He usually does not complain about things like that, but him seeing me cry just pissed him off. I do have a high pain tolerance too, so I think he knew it must have been bad.

Not as bad as the guy across the hall, apparently. The moaner just screamed and moaned all night every night. I know the nurses suck with pain meds...but they must have heard him. Maybe he was already maxed out on his meds and had to deal with it. But that meant I got to deal with his screaming and moaning. Thank GOD the rooms were private. I would have strangled him with my little IV'd bruised arms.

OK enough about the stupid hospital. I am home!

Mom is trying to wait on me hand and foot and I am not letting her. It's good for me to get up and walk around. The pain is pretty localized on my left side of my stomach. There are 5 small incisions covered with tape around my stomach. Two on the right side, one above my belly button, and two on the left side. The left side incisions are where the surgeon entered with most of his equipment and did most of the work. I am bruised and swollen and it is very sore to move. I cannot lean on this side, and when I stand it is very painful on that side. However, it's normal considering that's where he worked mostly.

The big things to worry about now are to stay hydrated, which is hard with my little tummy pouch, and get protein in. I am sipping water, but I want to gulp it because I do feel thirsty. Even one gulp makes me burp and full / uncomfortable. So I am trying to get used to my pouch size while staying hydrated. It's hard, but I really think I can feel the new stomach pouch. My stomach itself is still there in its entirety, just not connected to anything. So my old big stomach is still growling, making gasses and acids, digesting nothing, etc. Poor thing. I can feel it growling, but this area to the left of it is tight and full and gassy, and I think that's my pouch. Kind of cool.

I slept a full 10 hours almost last night, waking up once for the bathroom and meds. I think a few more nights of good sleep like that and I'll be good as new :)

Now I have to give myself a blood thinner shot in my stomach, which I am nervous about. But I think I can do it. Wish me luck.

I love you all and I love your support and comments. I hope this blog helps someone in the future too.

Home from the hospital

2009-04-02T20:39:00.002-04:00

Tonight I finally was discharged from the hospital. I did not enjoy my stay there, to say the least. I did not feel the nurses were attentive. Sometimes I waited a good 30-45 minutes to get pain meds after calling. The first day, I had a catheder and pain pump, I didn't get out of bed. It was kind of nice and lazy and drugged. But yesterday they took the cath out in the a.m., and switched me to oral pain meds (liquid hydrocodone). They don't give that out on a schedule...which silly ol' me didn't know...so I'd wake up in pain, call for the nurse begging for meds, and wait..and wait...and wait...

I also would recommend for anyone getting surgery not to do it somewhere so hot as Florida. My room was about 100 degrees, it was naaaaasty.

I did take some fun hospital photos I will upload when I'm not so tired. The little things are making me tired and right now I think I will go rest.

I have some amazing friends. I love you all.

in the hospital day 2

2009-04-01T07:30:00.000-04:00

hi everyone.

im typing from my phone in my little hospital room. the surgery went well and im doing as best as can be expected. there is a lot more pain than i thought but i have a morphine pump which helps. the feeling is a tender inner soreness. like someone beat me in the stomach. and the gas in my.chest and shoulder is excruciating. who would have thought? shoulder gas. lol.

ill type more details when i have energy. they woke me up every hour yo check vitals get blood give shots etc. so tired.

i wanted to thank everyone so much for their love and support. i really have an amazing little army of friends rooting behind me. that helps.

love
dara

Today is surgery!

2009-03-31T01:02:00.002-04:00

I just finished packing for the hospital and for the stay at my Mom's after. It is making it all very real, which is exciting. I have not been too nervous up until this point. I'm definitely not nervous about the pain or the surgery itself. I have a high pain tolerance, and I will be happily knocked out during the surgery. I am mostly nervous about the stay in the hospital after.

I have an aversion to hospitals. I hate them. They put me in a negative state of mind. I am afraid of being lonely and stuck in there with medical stinky stuff around. So to combat this fear, I just uploaded a shitton of music to my fake iPod, and charged up my DS.

I'll have EJ post in here for me following the surgery. We are meeting my parents at the hospital at 8am.

Much love. Thanks for all the well-wishes.

Protein puree day!

2009-03-30T13:22:00.004-04:00

The first few days after surgery, I'll be eating ("eating") liquids and clear broths.

From Day 3 or 4 until day 14, I need to eat pureed proteins -- each serving about the size of an ice cube.

So Saturday was "cook tons of turkey and chicken with different seasonings, puree and freeze" day. EJ and I went to Target, bought some sugar free snacks like Jell-O, broth, etc. and went up to the parents house with the dogs for a couple hours of cooking and blending.

EJ was the cook (and a sexy one at that). I did the pureeing and Mom did the ice cube freezing. Ever seen freshly cooked chicken breasts pureed and frozen?

First he made chicken with garlic and white wine sauce. Next was Italian chicken. Then he switched it up with curry chicken (yum). And finally, thin turkey cutlets with steak seasoning. The food all smelled and looked delicious, I am sooo glad we can use seasonings. But..then I had to put it all in the food processor. Nasty.

We poured the food into ice cube trays and froze them. Now when I want to eat after the surgery, I can just defrost a cube and that's the meal. Yum.

Pictures from the fun-filled day are here.
(Taken with my phone so sorry about the quality.)

Things to do today:

Pay rent
Pack for the hospital
Pack a bag for Mom and Dad's after the hospital
Go to Walgreens for last - minute prescription pickup.
Sync MP3 player

No food after midnight tonight, tomorrow morning I have to shower with antibacterial soap, and just show up in the morning. It's a-happening!

The basics

2009-03-29T14:38:00.002-04:00

Hm well I just realized a lot of people do not know the basic stuff about this surgery. What it is, what is done, eating afterward. I think I am going to do a quick 101 for those people.

So skip this post if you already know it all.

In a Roux-en-Y gastric bypass, which is what I am having, the stomach is made smaller by creating a small pouch at the top of the stomach using surgical staples. The smaller stomach (which I will be referring to as my "pouch") is connected directly to the middle portion of the small intestine (jejunum), bypassing the rest of the stomach and the upper portion of the small intestine (duodenum).

This upper portion of the small intestine (duodenum) is where carbs and sugars are processed. In this surgery, the pouch is directly connected to the middle portion of the small intestine (jejunum), bypassing the duodenum completey...hence the name bypass. lol.

Photo of what my stomach will be set up like after:

This will help me lose weight in 2 ways:

Decreasing the amount of food I can eat (my stomach will initially hold about 1/8 of a cup of food at MAX, gradually expanding to about 30cc of food. An average stomach can hold about 1.5 liters of food.
Since the duodenum is bypassed, sugar and fats are not an option for me to process. If I do eat something with more than 6g sugar / serving (or 6g carbs), I will get sick and have something called dumping syndrome.

So this is a bi-fold way of losing weight. Making sure I don't eat sugars and white, processed carbs (which are full of sugar --> fat) as well as decreasing the amount of intake.

Following the surgery, I will have an intense post-op eating plan. Rather than bore everyone with details now, I'll just say it will consist of protein, protein and some more protein. Lots of liquids, broths, pureed meats, etc.

Sorry I did not post about these basics earlier. Hopefully now everyone feels pretty informed about what is really going on.